Apr 22, 2014

Of Failed Feelings

Text messages and long silences
Of business attended and revision of long due
The air and the mood are never the same again
Cautiously polite with an air of feinted care-free
Strictly no woes mentioned, no depression stressed
And no entry towards personal feelings
Nor shared opinions.

I have given hope of happiness
Vows and promises are things of wrong past
Never again! 
But the beating of the heart is dull with ache
And it grows weary of such feelings
Such conflict battles inside of me everyday
Wrecking havoc of what little peace of my mind left
as I have sacrificed the rest not so long ago.

What I do now is asking for trouble
Of opening wound to those involved
Of planting more seeds of doubt
As what hope can I get 
From tomorrow that is to come?
Of mixed signals and unanswered questions?
Should I make amend to what decision I had made before?
And then what? Patching the canvas of relationship
that is tainted with holes and burn marks
With apologies and proposals?
What exactly do you want, heart?
And what exactly do you have in mind, brain?

Maybe going out together is out of the question
Too much damage and too much heartbreak
I'll be surprised if I won't get punched in the face tomorrow
If tomorrow really happen.
What exactly is the right thing to do?
Is my love not deep enough to accept her this way?
Is her love not deep enough to accept me this way?

I want to crawl back to the age of boy hates girl
To era of feelings untreated and passion being unbeknownst
Because nothing is more miserable than knowing
I failed in relationship and I deserve no one
Second chances and restarting things are over for me
Because I have abused these things
And when my heart is completely empty
And hardened to cold, hard stone
I can painlessly forget all this
Of failed feelings and second-guessing.

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