Jan 15, 2015

A feeling of hopelessness

Have you ever feel truly hopeless? I know I do. I feel it when I am alone. I feel it when I see people in a close group, laughing and hanging out. I feel it when I browse the facebook and see others having such a great time.

I guess one part of that feeling comes from the absence of belongings. I really don't have a niche, if you must, or a clique. My identity is my own self, and that I fear is not enough. I want to have a social identity, too. Do you get what I am saying? I want to be a part of something. To have a sense of being welcomed, being 'belonged' to.

I used to jog a lot. And my alumni has this great running crew called the kyserun. Well the thing is I rarely get the chance to join them. Their activities are awesome and I want to join but logistics and timings always screw it up for me. And the thing that breaks my heart is to see other people who are not even from my school got so active with it I couldn't help but feel so envious. Well the crew is open for everyone but I guess I just don't cut out for it.

My ex, on the other hand, travels a lot with her colleagues. She went to so many places, whether go hiking or travelling or staying at boat house and that is also a great activity. It is so awesome to have someone regular who are willing to spend great time together. Why can't I have a group of people with similar interest spending time together? I am so tired of living alone without a clique.

Furthermore, it pains me to realize that I am mediocre in everything I do. I really hate at playing games with other people because I suck at winning. I really hate any racing or fighting games because I know I could never win. I am so mediocre. I hate it. Even in studies, I had already long given up hopes of becoming a merit student. Nowadays I have to be content to achieve a pass. I don't have any skills of higher class. I don't have any talent. I don't even have a proper tongue to pronounce certain consonants correctly God damn it.

And now what infuriates me the most is that I seem like learning nothing in my third year when I was at the hospital. Even the basic stuff I learnt during EJR seems so cloudy. I feel so inferior when the third years are around. I feel that they know more about things that I am doing than me. I don't think I feel hopeless because I know I am one sorry, mediocre hopeless case.


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