May 21, 2016

Life tests

Despair comes one after another, despite me telling myself that I did the exam paper reasonably well yesterday. In reality, after the paper ended I was left feeling numbed. The last 10 minutes was spent to answer the report of an ECG. I don't have any real hope of getting it right, so that initially left me with 11 promising correct answers.

How wrong I was as it turned out to be.

When I was answering the paper, other than the ECG question, I was struggling with two blood investigation forms. Thinking back, those two are the least of my worries.
My first discovery that I have made a huge mistake is that I got it wrong for my resuscitation fluids. It just simply didn't cross my mind to calculate the fluid based on his weight. I was so upset that I broke down in the middle of my Isya' prayer. I was angry and scared. I felt hopeless and I lashed it out to someone who did not deserved it.

My next exam is on this Monday and so I spent my whole day today studying at the campus. That's when I discovered my second blunder; I wrote down the wrong folic acid dose. It was so crushing that my mind went blank. Everything sounds so distant and the rumbling panic in my chest comes crashing up on me. And by getting the dose wrong I practically lost all the marks for that question. That makes the total of three confirmed wrong answers for my paper.

I couldn't stand being paralyzed at my desk so I went to surau for Isya' prayer. Everyone had finished praying and it was only me there. I was so depressed and in despair. I had given up studying for tonight. I just wanted to go home and sleep it off. Then it came down heavily on me up to the point that I just could not take it anymore and the tears just came. Dismayed is the mildest term that I could describe. I was so glad I was alone at that time. There is no hope for me, and the tears just came faster. I finished my prayer with a salty taste in my mouth and a clogged nose.

I wanted to make some do'a after prayer but with my condition I just covered my face with both of my palms. I remembered that do'as should be specific; I was repeating the same pleas: let me pass the wriske, let me pass the SBAs, let me pass the moslers, let me graduate this year. Over and over I prayed and that was the first time I understood how repentance works. In the moment of helplessness I begged Allah for forgiveness, truly begged to be forgiven, that let my prayers not being left unanswered. I cried even harder, my body shook and my sniffles were loud.

After I finished, I felt something different. It feels as if I just put my whole fate in someone else's hands. I've realized that I just put my faith to where it belongs. To Allah. I'm beginning to understand how true tawakal feels. I left the surau with a new determination. Suddenly I know what I have to do tonight, and it's not to kick the bucket. And so Allah has helped me to go through this night, and I have made full use of it by revising until midnight. Alhamdulillah.

I may not know what's the final outcome will be, but it's still undecided yet. May Allah granted my wishes and give me the strength, the peace of heart, and the sanity of mind to accept whatever that is laid down in front of me. Amin.

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