Mar 16, 2017

Raining Thoughts

It is raining right now, illuminated with flashes of lightning and rhythmed with the gongs of thunder. As much as I dislike this kind of rain due to the melancholy it often brings, I began to learn to like it because of one sweet stranded situation that happened to Z and I a few weeks ago. Now whenever I heard the thunders, I remembered that brief time of us together.

Melancholy that it usually brings maybe in part comes because of the darkness it shrouds over the place and over the heart. One tends to dwell into their own darkness inside whenever the ambiance of the weather readily supplies the mood to brood. And in times like this my deep yet scattered thoughts are amplified to a slight degree that warrants me to write them down here today.

The first matter of the heart is the worry. I worry about a lot of things. I worry about my O&G logbook. There is still a lot of procedures I haven't jot down nor I asked signatures from. I am down to only five weeks to finish my rotation and I am very worried that I will be extended because of this incomplete logbook. Apart from that there is this green form that marks our performance based on wards rotation. We have to ask for the specialist in charge of the ward their signature at the end of the 2-week ward rotation where they, supposedly, will grade our performance and attitude. In truth, rarely the specialists know how well we do our jobs in the ward but oh well.

I still haven't got Dr K's signature because 1) every time I start new ward rotation I always start with a PM shift so I always cannot find the time to find the designated specialist to sign it 2) every time I approach her she will always scold me and then refused to sign it for various reasons (although admittedly one time I asked her at the main stairway so she kinda went all bull-like at me) so I gave up and stopped looking for her. The last ward rotation also is still unsigned and gahhh - what a pain this all is.

The second matter that rains heavily on my mind a lot for these past months working is about the issue of salary. This is quite a complicated thought of mine as I discovered because I tried to tell Z about it but the flow of it came out dispersed. I am not even sure if the gist of my thought was properly channeled out when I tried to express it. Maybe it's the speaking part that got tangled. Maybe, on paper, it will come without much derailment.

So the thing about salary is, as I supposed that occupies my mind for a long time, begins during the first three months of housemanship where I did not received monthly salary. Oh, no, it's not the amount that I am worried about. It's much more complicated than that, remember?

I further supposed, that it begins much earlier than that.
Much, much earlier.

Okay here comes the dull narrative..

To start with, maybe I should begin with my family and how I was brought up. See, my family is not the rich type - big house with airconds, maids, going travels or whatever rich people do or have as I have no clue. I am also saying that my family is not 'not well off' either - we have a house, two cars, and enough allowance for me and my siblings to go to school and etc.

But there are some defining moments in my childhood that I never taste of that other children had experienced. When kids are obsessing over Digimon or Playstation or going abroad travelling with family or having handphones or even owning a Pilot Shaker mechanical pencil (hey, it's a valid envy of mine way back in primary school. It's a cool pencil okay), I have none of that. First of all, my allowance money I spent it all on food (yes, even way back then). Second, my parents won't allow for such things. Not that I am whining or anything here, please don't get me wrong. I am ever grateful for what I have but it shapes what kind of person I am today.

And what kind of person exactly am I? The one who always dream of something better and making plans on how to achieve it. I daydream so much everyday for years on things that I plan to do or buy 5, even 10 years ahead in the future. I planned for months to buy this and that, like for an instance, my car which I paid the down payment with my own money when I started my year 4 of medical school.

The scary part of much daydreaming and plotting planning to buy things is when you actually did it. Yes, first comes the feeling of achievement. The realization of what you have done has not sink in yet, and when it does, sometimes it makes you think about it for a long time. And that is exactly what happened to me.

Coming back to the first three months of finally working as a houseman, I am left with no monthly salary yet. The obvious solution for me at that time was to use my lifelong savings, which I have linked the account with another bank for easier transaction. Being a planner as I am, I already calculated how much I should spent and how much I will get back when the first pay came.

I guess this is all what being an adult is about. With that much savings and little restriction put on me, I am free to do what I want with what I have. Granted, there are consequences for every action that we do, and that is I think the overall gist of basically, being a human. The first step of it is the control. I exercised that very little control of what I have by first purchasing an expensive smartphone on just the third week of working.

Yes, I justified my actions very well and even up until now I haven't regretted my purchase. I rarely do. My phone is serving me very well and I am in need of a good phone for daily activities anyway. But this is the first decision that I made without any need of permission from my parents. There are and will be more big decisions in the future that I will make or already made, and it got me to think about something.

Yes, that something is the matter I wanted to write it down actually, not the whole nonsense thing that you have been reading for the past 10 minutes wahahah. I already feel tired from sitting my butt on this stiff plastic chair to write this down and there is still a lot I want to say. That something is still not coming out properly yet - I don't quite actually know how to proceed with it. I will continue talking about it in my next post, or in another one much later, but eventually I will write it down because this is not something I can easily forget.

The sky has brighten up and the thunder has quietened down already. The veil of such intrusive mood has been lifted and with that, the melancholy of such intriguing matters of the heart as well. The sound of rain is heard still, and the weather is ever changing like it often does. So surely just like the rain, these thoughts will surely visit me again and again in the future. Ceh apasal poetic sangat tetiba.

It's time for lunch, and perhaps a short nap, before I begin to prepare myself for work today. Wish me luck!

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