Oct 9, 2017

The End

It's close to a month now but I am still feeling numb. I was left speechless; no, it wasn't just words that left me - a big chunk of me has died last month it changes me. I am not the same person anymore. I feel dead. 

Even now I don't know how to proceed with this. Everything hurts. Every waking moments ache. Every stray thoughts pierce deep and twisting and twisting the wound again and again. I can taste the bitterness of my heart at the tip of my tongue and spat it out I did to those misfortune to be nearby me. 

I now hate new things that in the past I can tolerate. I hate more people just because I can't be like what they are. The blue-themed social media pages I now view them daily in brilliant emerald of envy. With seething loathe of anger I just can't seem to wish them happiness from the bottomless of my stinking heart.

This is the cruelest moment of my life so far. A decade wasted with dreams and all my plans shattered and crushed to oblivion. It's like I have been slapped raw in the face with a Mjolnir. I will never make any plan after this. All those grand schemes of life, the little dreams of ambition and wishes - they are just a prelude to a tragic disasters waiting to happen.

It will take many more years to undo the damage I took. Memories will eventually fade but they must be so or else it will take a fatal toll on me. Traces that are uncountable, scattered throughout the places and throughout the time, painful as they are as reminder to things that happened but can't be, will take a lot of time to be less hurtful to me. 

In the very unlikely event that I do recover and stumbled upon another chance of happiness, I do wonder how it is even going to play out in the first place with the huge scar I carried in my heart. Will it be fixed, Kintsugi-like, or will it be as porous and as fragile as I very much feared it's gonna be? Does one able to receive happiness that can fill up the big grave the sadness has dug previously? Do I actually deserve a chance for a proper, happy love life?

Let it be reminded that on that fateful day I had lost all faith in love, and the sweetness of it, for I was forcibly arrived to one hateful conclusion of life is that love is never, and will always, never just about love.


  1. Im nt sure wht happened but Im sure Allah has written the best for you. During painful times, its best to completely rely on Allah and believe that whatever the outcome is, it's going to be the best for you. I personally find tawakal a great cure for sadness and worries & I always believe Allah is the only one who can turn hearts. There are still hopes :)

  2. Don't worry. It will all go away when you meet someone better & it probably won't be that far ahead.

    - Z