Nov 21, 2017

A Checkpoint In Time

Inveritably, at one point in the future you will come and read this entry again, so that you will ascertain with a greater portion of certainty if your doubts are indeed, valid in the first place. Remember that at the time of this entry being written, there is so much that you don't know, so much that you are so unsure of, that begets me to establish a checkpoint for a later comparison.

And here you are, reading this again, as I am certain that you will, of which I am doing it right now, both at the time of writing this down and also in every instances that exists in the future. This entry is purely for us; you need to see whether your suspicions are true yourself, by comparing the future me (which is you, in case you lost all your memories) with the past me (currently at the time of writing).

This is maddeningly confusing, but you are a master at confusing yourself, so you'll be fine.

In a year or more, you will read this entry with a different tone. There will be different emotions generated from it. I suspect the weariness will still be here in a year's time. A sense of dread, too, if by my calculations is correct and you will be at the time where I think the end is approaching. More than that, I think I want you to read this entry again with a thought that you are better than the past you who is currently writing this down.

It's hard for me to put what I want to compare to in words here. I want you to be still be able to comprehend my unease here, my obscure in writing, more than words can tell. That my concern is about the future that begins with my chosen place of work, the particular lack of skills and knowledge that I get here.

There are so many things that I think I am lacking, so much that I do not know. It has been a year, and I think I am running out of time. I want you to acknowledge my concern now in every visit, in every lines of words read, in every thought that crosses your mind. I think I made a big mistake of choosing this hospital, that it didn't provide me enough skillset that I thought I would get coming from such a big hospital, or that maybe I didn't take the chances that it gives, however few that I could find.

I am thinking I am missing on all of these, that I am becoming quite a poor houseman, and it scares me. I am thinking I am not learning enough, not motivated enough, and you are the result of what I am going through. So many missed chances that it simply terrifies me into thinking that I will make huge blunders when I became a medical officer later in the future.

If you are still like me, not knowing shit from anything even after all these years, we are screwed. I see no motivation for an improvement, so I am very sorry that I can't see any way out of this. I am still emotionally wrecked and I am still very bitter about my life. I have so much hate and anger and there is this indescribable feeling of negativity that either will provoke me from time to time or drive me to tears out of nowhere. Are you still like that?

 I think so.

In a year's time, I want you to make another checkpoint entry. Compare where you are with the future you when you started to work as a medical officer. It's alright if it is still as confusing as this one. We are a bunch of confusing, twisted lump of insecurity and indecisiveness. I already feel down writing this down, and I very much hope that you will have better luck when writing yours down. The cumulative thoughts for this year, compiling the fast disappearing medical knowledge and the lack of more various skillset that I should be learning as a houseman, are yours to peruse and compare.

So do you feel better, a year from now on?

1 comment:

  1. I think it's an interesting way of looking at things.

    But how about, if you know for sure, a year from now is going to turn out for the better? Will it give you comfort knowing that the struggle you're facing now will bear fruits & bring good tidings in the future? Will it make you feel more perseverant & berlapang dada with your current situation? Will it make you feel more relieved & less worried?

    The things is... I know for sure things will turn out better for you. Just have faith in it :)