Mar 25, 2019

To Be or Not to Be?

After what I considered a low point of mood I'd experienced last week at work, I feel undecided on what to do next. I thought I was so sure on what I want to become, what I aspire to be, but heart is such a fickle thing, oh Qalbun, that what I once knew what to be only become a mere maybe.

I feel that as much as I like working in ED, there's a big part of me that tells me that I am not meant for it. Consider that I am very poor on hands-on and my lack of success in doing RSI. I lost count on how many attempts I've tried but I can't still do it. What is wrong with me? Other people had succeeded in their first try. All I feel is that this is surely a sign that ED is just not for me.

I also decided not to pursue FRCEM Primary paper this year. It was.. haughty of me to dream that big when I knew so little. Many people will just say, "oh there's no harm in trying, just go for it," etc. but what I feel is that I am not even good enough with what I do at work right now. What the hell that makes me think that I should do more when the current me is so much lacking? It saddens me greatly that even at things that I like to do all I am is never good enough.

I am also contemplating on not to pursue any specialty at all. This obsession to be at the very top because you are already halfway climbing it to me feels like never ending. There's always more offshoot to climb and more challenges to face. But must I? To me the number one drawback in pursuing master/paper is the rota or the rotation that you have to go to to complete your requirement. All I ever wanted is a home to live in with people I want to live with. I want to plant my roots deep and to settle down having a family. I am already nearing 30. Life is already half gone by.

I just want to live.

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